:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
bring money and cleavage
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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