just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
