I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
