and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So squirting runs in the family.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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