If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
