I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
