even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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