Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
