Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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