I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
