In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
