SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
