don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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