i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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