kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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