I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
