They should really pass out barf bags in church
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
