We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
