can u get pink eye on your cock?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
