I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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