I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
