i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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