why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i will never coherently bang her
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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