Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize