Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
