And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
