My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
