walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
