She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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