His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize