When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
