Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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