just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
