its not stalking. its research.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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