We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
