i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
