Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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