You're completely useless in the revolution.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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