Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
