I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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