There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
