I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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