just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
