you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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