Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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