He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
