Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
