At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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