I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
