we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I want a musical about memes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
