a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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