I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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