TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
