her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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