So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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