guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
